I was talking with Jocelyn the other day about sibling relationships. We were talking about how our parents handled or didn't handle sibling rivalry and how that may have affected our later relationships with our siblings. This is important to me because my parents, as I recall, never really stopped me from teasing my sister, and didn't really talk to me about respecting my younger sister. And to this day, I don't have a close relationship at all with my sister. I can't help but think that my disrespecting her when we were young has had some impact on how we relate to each other as adults, and maybe even how she relates to people she does have relationships with.
Because of my own experiences, Tim and I try really hard to talk to our kids about their treatment of each other. Despite years of talking about it, there isn't any visible difference in their behavior to each other, but Jocelyn said she thinks it will make a difference later in life.
I'm curious what you all think about this. Did your parents leave you all to work it out for yourselves or did they try to explain how respect for each other is important because it will affect future relationships with each other and those you love? Do you feel there is a relationship between how your parents handled your arguing with siblings and your current relationship with them? Do you think that the way your parents handled sibling rivalry has had any impact on how your love and friendship relationships have gone?
Linda
I was hesitant to comment because my family situation was sort of atypical, but then again what is a typical family?
ReplyDeleteMy parents weren't the type to talk a lot about the way you should do this or that, although they clearly disapproved of us pummeling each other. The issues were typical sibling issues I guess - fighting over the tv, who took my what-cha-ma-call-it, lack of privacy in a very small house, etc.
The lessons my parents did provide were more by example of their feelings for their own siblings. They seemed to be very fond of their siblings. In the case of my mother's family, she and her three sisters were each others best friends. As Aunt Ellie would say, blood is thicker than water. That, plus the look of shock on my mother's face when we fought, eventually sunk in.
Somehow, as we emerged from teen years with a different mindset, less egocentric teenager and better able to see the big picture. The part of our situation that likely doesn't apply to other families is that I started to become somewhat protective of my brothers as their disabilities became more evident. It's one thing to argue with your siblings and it's a whole different thing when other people pick on them.
Jocelyn is right. It will subside - eventually.
My three older sisters and I were never "taught" or "expected" to stick-up for one another, support each other, or that family came first above all us. It was every man for himself. My parents were hands-off when it came to our relationships. We rarely did anything together so I don’t recall any arguments or teasing. The major thing I do remember is how much my older twin sisters HATED having to babysit me and long into adulthood there were still complaining bitterly about it—to me. (They left for college never to return, when I was 6 years old, so how often do you think they really had to watch me? )
ReplyDeleteMy sisters and I cannot figure out how we knew what was expected of us since we were never told what was expected of us- yet we knew. We are not close, but we do love each other. We are not "there" for each other except on the very rare occasions when it fits our lives and schedules. We are all very self-centered, independent, and three of us have a very strong sense of self-preservation. There also was a great deal of jealousy between us because my parent’s financial situation changed drastically mid-life, going from very upper middle-class to lower class. The result was my sisters were raised in a nice home and went to private or out of state colleges and I had grew up in a small apartment and commuted to a local college. But, oddly most (not all for sure) of the jealousy was from my sisters towards me, because I started working at age 14 and was able to buy myself a nice car. That coupled with the fact that my parents were unhappy, depressed and had stopped "watching" me meant I had far more (far more!) freedom to do what I wanted then they'd had and boy, did that ever tick them off--I heard about it every time they would visit us. In addition, my parents were not on the best of terms with their own siblings and their negativity totally colored our feelings towards our Aunts and Uncles.
And that pretty much sums up the reasons why I didn’t have children of my own.